to save the birds
by don't sweat the small stuff
Summary: I tried to avoid drowning in the ocean, the truth; I tried to run away from it, but you see, I was blind-folded and couldn't tell where I was going, and all the while I was trying to save the birds, but I couldn't because Rin is the birds and I am the nuclear weapon, and this is all very, very, very bad. This is very bad. I can't. I can't. I can't. ;; Rin/Len poop imminent.
1. Chapter 1

Sometimes – sometimes I'll feel afraid of being invisible, so I'll scream just to check I'm not. Because I just feel that way, sometimes. I just do. I do because my parents won't always acknowledge me – no, they won't. They always acknowledge my sister. Always, always, always. Because things are just that way.

I'm not angry at her for getting so much attention. Maybe a little jealous, but never angry _at her_. It's not her fault she's this way; this… attention-gaining – attention-gaining individual. It's not like she _enjoys_ the attention, anyway. I know she doesn't enjoy it. I know it. She gets this expression, you know, on her face that says she just wants some space. But she never talks about it. She never ad_mits_ to it, because she's too nice, and she knows that our parents only give so much undivided attention to her because she's justwho she is, and because they love her and all that stuff, and she's their daughter and she's _spe_cial.

And I'm their son and all, born on the same day and the same year and all that stuff as her, and I look almost exactly like her, spitting image and everything, but I don't get as much attention because I'm not this ridiculous _spe_cial. So I just scream and cry and chuck a tantrum, just so they'll _look_ at me for once or something. And then they'll get angry, and I _know_ they'll get angry and I'll be _expect_ing it, but that's okay because they're paying attention to me and that's what I want. That's all I want.

Rin – my sister – knows this too, and she'll always get this guilty expression on her face like it's entirely _her_ fault that I'm thrashing around on the ground, as if I'm having a fit. She'll always pop by my bedroom later, after my parents finish yelling and raving about my immature behaviour, how I should _stop acting like a conceited eight year old and start acting fourteen!_, and she'll sit on the edge of my bed while I'm lying on my back, watching the ceiling fan go round and round. And then I'll move over slightly and she'll crawl over to lay beside me, and she'll tuck her knees up into her chest like she's trying to compress herself into this _tiny, tiny_ ball, and we'll just stay like that, knowing that she's sorry for being this way and that I forgive and love her for who she is.

I do love her, really, for whom she is, I really do, and I want to protect her for as much as forever, but I know I can't because sometimes, sometimes it's just better to challenge the world on your own, and that's what Rin needs to do, sometimes.

My parents aren't awful people; I know they love us both; they just get so caught up looking after Rin and all they forget I exist, too, and that I need their love and attention, too, and so things just end up this way, I guess. But you can't have everything you want or need in life, because that's just the way things are, and I should stop being so selfish and all, but I can't. I really can't.

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I hate having to explain to people that we're _identical_ twins and not fraternal. They all seem to be convinced we're fraternal but we're _not_. Heck, we even got blood tests just to check and all. The thing is, people don't know you can get boy-girl identical twins, because it's literally a chance like one in a billion of occurring. Yeah, it's pretty amazing – such a thing being so rare – I mean we were on the news and all when we were kids, but it isn't that great for _us_. Or more so, Rin.

It's so rare and all because it's actually a fault, not a miracle. For the kids to be boy-girl, you have to have a set of boy-boy twins, and one has to lose his Y chromosome. That makes him a female. So, originally, Rin and I were both boys, but she lost her Y chromosome. So now all she has is an X.

And when a girl has just one X and not two, well that isn't good. It isn't very good at all. You see, Rin has Turner Syndrome – TS for short – and it happens when a baby is born with only an X chromosome. It affects 1 in 2000 girls, and the baby usually dies before it's even born. That's what happened to Rin. She almost died, so we were born _super_ premature with not much chance to live, and we were both in the ICU for a month or something ridiculous like that.

It's not like her TS is awful like some I've seen in pictures, I mean she hasn't got the webbed neck or anything, but she can't have children and she needs to take hormone medication to _make _her more feminine, and she's a bit deaf in one ear, and she's got diabetes and she finds it really difficult to concentrate in on maths questions and science projects, so I usually help her with that stuff. But she's fantastic at singing, can hit some of the highest notes without breaking a sweat or wavering slightly, and she can draw really well – like, _really_ well – so I guess that makes up for it. Also, Rin's very nice and strong-willed and admirable, and she's just that loveable kind of person. You can't hate Rin. No one can hate Rin.

Being her brother and all, people expect me to protect her and stuff, and I do. She actually kind of hates it, I can tell, but she doesn't mention it, because she knows I'm only babying her because I _care_ for her and Mum and Dad expect me to be her guardian angel or something absurd like that, so she just puts up with it. I'm usually the one arranging the lunches and all, and I can tell when she's not feeling too good and I can almost read her mind – I'm practically like her second mother – I mean father.

But I know she appreciates me being all brotherly and stuff, and she knows I do it because I love her, and stuff. It's just that twin intuition thing, you know, we just _know_ stuff and don't need to say anything. It just is, and we just feel that _connection_, like our souls our intertwined or a being split into two. And I like that sort of thing, the twin intuition crap, because it makes me feel closer to Rin than we already are, like we're inseparable to some degree, and if we were pulled apart, our bodies would still strive to find one another again. I just like it, dunno why. I just like having someone else out there, almost exactly like me, there connected to me with an invisible inseparable force that exists because we're special.

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Of course they split us apart though, because our parents are stupid and still can't figure out why they had sex fifteen-odd years ago, when they supposedly were _in love_. That's what I hate about adults, they're so selfish. They never think before they do, they just _do_, and then think afterwards. And then they realise what an awful idea that was, and they run around like headless horses because they have no freaking clue how they got themselves into this mess and how exactly they're going to get out.

Yeah, so they divorce when Rin and I are fifteen, when Rin starts taking her hormone medication after arguing with Mum for almost a century over it, and I suddenly grow so tall I nearly knock myself out on the door frame and my voice goes all spastic like my vocal cords have been mutilated by a vivacious lizard, and we start to think things have _finally_, _fin_ally worked themselves out. But they haven't – they've just gotten worse.

I ring my aunt the night they break the news to us, while listening to Rin cry from her bedroom down the hall, while my parents stand in the kitchen awkwardly discussing their plans from then on. My aunt is a pretty cool person. She's one of those people who are health-obsessed, and she likes to wear hippie clothes – like the tie-dye shirts and puffy pants, and she's all about looking after yourself and whatnot. I call her because I really only feel like talking to her about this, because she's pretty much the only person who listens to me, most of the time.

"Hello?" she answers with straightaway when she picks up the phone.

"It's Len," I respond.

"Oh," she says. "Hello Len. How are you?"

"I'm go- I'm – I'm okay."

She pauses, before questioning in this anxious voice, "Is everything alright? You don't sound too okay, hun. Is Rin alright? Nothing has happened to her, right?"

"No, no – nothing has happened to Rin. It's just – just, Mum and Dad have told us they're breaking up- and I – I – yeah." I swallow, unable to find the right words. It's like this always. I can never put my feelings into words – I'm just… angry and sad and frustrated and confused and worried and a lot of things, but I just can't figure out what I feel the most, or how I'm supposed to feel, or anything. "They told Rin and me that one of us has to stay with Mum and the other has to go with Dad. And I know Rin and Mum want to stay together, because they're females and all, and I'll probably have to live with Dad, and I'm not worried about that – I just – I just don't want this to happen. Am I being selfish? I don't _want_ this. I don't want a broken family. I don't want to live away from Rin and Mum."

"Oh, Len," she sighs. "Len honey, you know how hard your parents have tried to stay together for you and Rin's sake. You know, right? But sometimes these things just can't happen forever. I mean, it's not like you're being for_bid _to see Rin and your mother again – I'm sure you can have sleepovers and all – I mean I'll gladly look after you two for a week or so if your parents can't afford to take care of you both at a time."

I don't respond, because I'm not convinced.

She continues hastily, "Your parents love you both, you realise? Sometimes these things happen, and you can't do anything about it. Maybe it's a good thing, Len. Maybe it'll open a new chapter in your life – meet new people, influence a better future – you just don't know. Maybe it'll be good for Rin, too. You need to look on the positive side of things, Len. The situation isn't going to get any better if you keep thinking like that."

All this talk, about new chapters and good things and positive sides, it's making me feel a bit depressed – well, more depressed than I felt before. So I just reply with, "Okay. Thanks."

"If you need anything else, hun, just give me a call, okay? I love hearing from you," Aunt Lily tells me. "I have to go now, so, bye-bye." Then she hangs up, and I'm left with the empty beeping of the receiver, and this goddamn awfully sad feeling in my chest, like my heart is being squeezed into two and I feel like I'm going to die.

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After that day I don't really care anymore.

And I do end up living with Dad, and Rin stays with Mum, and we move into this cruddy apartment on the opposite end of the city – but it feels like the country, or possibly, the world – and Dad and I talk more, a bit, and he keeps promising to take me fishing one day, when he's not so busy with working, but we all know that's never going to happen.

And I think Rin is okay, from the last email she sent me, which was a little over two months ago. We try to keep in touch, but it's not really working. It's really not.

The sad thing about moving is that I have to go to this shiny new school because we're too far away from the other, so I can't see all my friends, and better yet, I can't even see Rin at least once a day. Sometimes I get into a fit of anxiety and I start to stress because I think I forget what her voice sounds like, but then I just turn on my iPod and listen to a recording of her music assessment from last year, and everything's alright.

When I start at my new school, I meet this other kid – a weird kid called Kaito. He likes to buy tacos from the school tuckshop and put them in his lap and place hideous paper cut-outs of me in the mince and look down at them all surprised to say, "Oh Len, what are you doing in my taco?" And he really gets off on it, like he pisses himself with laughter, literally.

Also, he sometimes likes to wear paper bags on his head, especially on the school photo days and when he gets pimples, just to get the teachers all pissy over it. And when they ask him to remove it, he replies, "My doctor said I have to wear it because it is a special treatment for my herpes." Sometimes he even writes permission notes for them, signed by his "parents", and sometimes he gets away with it, if the teacher is a replacement.

One funny thing about Kaito is, is that he doesn't want to admit he has a crush on this girl who goes to the same school as us – Miku Hatsune. She's a pretty attractive girl, and she's super smart and athletic and your overall _perfect_ person. But I think she's a bit fake, with the friendly façade she wears all the time. Too, too nice – she tries too hard. I just don't like it.

But Kaito really likes Miku, it's damn obvious. He starts horsing around whenever she comes by, and when she talks to him he gets flustered and insults her a lot. Miku gets all annoyed and barks at him constantly for being a 'useless waste of her space', and it's hilarious – gets me in stitches every time. You know, I think Miku kind of likes him too, under all that anger.

On weekends, Kaito likes to take me to this ice-cream shop, and while he gorges himself with vanilla ice-cream, he cracks jokes about us going on a date and having all this 'bromance'. I just laugh because it's friendly to laugh, not that I really think it's that funny, or anything. But I like this Kaito guy, whether he's the real deal or not. He makes me forget about all the sad things, sometimes.

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After about nine months after I move, and three months since I received any form of contact from my sister, I decide to ring Rin anyway since it's our birthday and it would just make sense to ring her, instead of just wanting to hear her voice.

The conversation goes like this:

"Hello?" Rin's smooth, honey-like voice cracks through the speaker. I feel slightly relieved I don't have to have a whole other conversation with Mum. She can talk a fish to sleep, seriously.

"Hi – hi Rin, it's me, Len," I say, and all of a sudden I'm feeling really nervous, and my hands start shaking, and I have to go sit down on the couch in the living room to calm myself, at least, because I'm afraid if I don't I might puke or pass out or possibly even both, in worst case scenarios.

There are voices in the background – none that I can identify, and it makes me feel even more anxious. Who's she with? "Oh," Rin finally responds, and she's got this fake surprise tone in her voice. "Oh, Len. Hey." I don't know why she has _that_ tone, I mean she usually uses it when she answers to someone she dislikes or doesn't feel like talking to – like my uncle.

"Um, happy birthday! How are you?" I ask, trying to sound all lively, not like I noticed how unenthusiastic she is to – you know, _talk_ to me – and how goddamn embarrassed and hurt I feel at the moment.

"I'm fine – um, look, Len – I'm kind of busy at the moment, can I call you back later?" she suggests, sounding somewhat apprehensive. I imagine her standing by the kitchen counter, twirling the phone cord around her index finger and biting her bottom lip, eyes sweeping the tiles. All of a sudden, I just really miss her.

And I just feel really damn miserable. "Oh… okay," I reply slowly. "Sure. I just – um. Yeah. Sure. Call me back later when you can."

"I'm really sorry," she persists, now a voice full of guilt. "I'm just busy at the moment. I'm sorry."

"No – no, you don't have to keep apologising. Um, I'll hear from you later, alright?" I ask that like it's a promise, because I want her to promise, because now I suspect she's _avoid_ing me – which could be entirely true, because it's still taking her three months to reply to my last email to her. Just – why? Did I do something wrong? Am I being a bad brother or anything?

"Yeah," she says, all breathless. "Yeah. I'll call you later. Bye, sweet- _Len_."

I notice the slip-up, but the dial tone beats me to questioning her about it. I place the phone back on the holder and press my hands up against my forehead. I'm starting to shake again and all, and I feel like I'm suffocating. This, this is just too weird and I'm just getting too paranoid – and shit, shit, why do I even need to care about what Rin does? It's _her_ life. And why – why do I care so much about her accidentally calling me 'sweetie' or whatever? Just, I shouldn't care. I literally feel like I'm her mother right now, and that's an awful feeling when you're actually her brother.

But as many times as I convince myself I don't care about Rin because she's fine and all, I still can't stop trembling, so I end up calling Kaito, hoping he can take my mind of Rin like he usually does.

He answers on the second ring.

"Lenny-boo, wassup?" he hollers through the speaker. I swear to God, I hate that nickname with a burning passion of a thousand suns, but I'm freaking out too much to care.

"Damn Jesus, where are you?" I ask, not meaning to sound so blunt, but I don't even care about that either.

"I'm in a hole. Where are _you?_" he shoots back wittily. Sometimes I wish Kaito was a more straightforward person, but he isn't, and that's the problem with things like these.

"Where the heck did you find a _hole?_ Where is it? I need to get out of – I need to get out."

"Ah, I dunno. Try the park by the school, maybe?"

Sometimes I wish Kaito could also read minds, so he would act like an ass in times of desperation. But I know he means that he's at the park near our high school, so everything's okay. Everything's goddamn okay. "I'll be there in five. Don't move," I order, before hanging up and slamming the phone down.

I practically run like a madman from my house all the way to the park. I think I nearly have a heart attack, because I'm wheezing like a smoker like there's no effing tomorrow. I'm surprised I'm still standing, actually – considering the last time I had done vigorous exercise like this was almost two years ago, and that two years ago I threw up at the finish line after a cross country race. But desperate times call for desperate measures.

I find Kaito sitting in a legitimate hole, dug out by the sandpit, and he's smoking like a chimney. What he's smoking, let's hope to God it isn't something _too_ apocalyptic.

"Dude, you're shaking like a pair of maracas and sweating the Pacific Ocean – have you been doing LSD? Because if you have been, that is _so -_" I cut Kaito off when I lean over and gag onto the grass. Oops, there it is. "Oh Lenny, keep it in your _stomach_. Gross. I have slight emetophobia, you know."

I wipe my mouth with the back of my fist and look over at him, just sitting in his hole and all, being a dick. "I don't care. I'm going to die."

"Whoa, whoa, calm your jets, summer boy. Are you high? Because I will personally disown you if you're high."

"How can I be _high?_ I can't even inhale a cigarette without having an asthma attack. And – hey, can you put that out, actually? It makes you look more like a fag." I gesture to the cigarette, and he jerks an eyebrow upwards at me, before standing and dropping the butt onto the ground and stubbing it out with the toe of his sneaker. "Do you actually care about your lungs?"

"Nope, and it makes me look like a fag, because it _is_ a fag, you dingle berry." He smacks me over the head unsparingly. "So, spill – why are you shaking so much, kid?" He looks at my arms, which are, indeed, still shaking.

"I don't – I just can't – _Jesus Christ_ – it's my sister," I blurt out, before I can even think about it. Then, for some reason, I just want to curl into a ball of shame. I feel like I just mouthed off about her or something, sweet old Rin and all, when I haven't even said anything. I never get angry at Rin for anything. I never – I never _complain_ about her because she's Rin – and God, Len, good lord.

Kaito flops down onto the grass, plucking a blade with his index finger and thumb out of the ground, and bringing it to his lips to blow through. "What about your sister? Wait – is she the one who has the Table Syndrome or something – what is it, Tutor?"

"Turner," I correct all nervously, pacing back and forth. Kaito knows I have a sister with TS, but that's _all _he knows – and all he needs to know. I'm jiggling my hands up and down, trying to shake out all the anxiety, the _bad feelings_, but, you know, it just won't work. "I can't – I mean I just don't want to make her _sound _bad or anything – it's just, I _can't -_" I take a breath, "I feel like she's goddamn avoiding me or something, and I don't know if it's something I _did_ – and when I think about it, I just get all nervous and crap, and start shaking and shit and I don't know what's wrong with me, because I shouldn't get anxious over what she thinks since she's my _sister_ for God's sake, and I… just don't know."

Kaito nods all slowly, before blowing a chord through the piece of grass. God, I hate it when he does that – gives me a headache. "Come here, Lenny-boy, let me teach you something," he says in this grandfather-like voice, patting the bare patch of grass beside his backside. I sidle over and sink onto the ground beside him, tucking my knees up to my chest. He puts a hand on my shoulder. "The thing is, girls are fucking insane and men are not made to understand what happens in their idiosyncratic mindsets. So, what I do – when I usually start to get all shitted about the opposite sex – I sit down on the ground, I close my eyes and I say -" He pauses, sucking in a breath to hold the tension, "_Hakuna matata_."

I then let out this groan – an annoyed groan – because I know Kaito's just being a dick, as usual. "Could your advice be _a little_ more serious?" I ask.

"I can't give you anything _serious_, Len, because these are _your_ weird-ass problems and not mine, and you obviously need to talk this shit over with that sister of yours, and make up and whatever with her – whatever you _do_ with your sister, I frankly do not know nor do I care – or just go to a fucking psychiatrist, because you're insane," he debriefs.

I close my eyes and exhale through my nose, frustrated to some degree. "Right. Thank you for being such a _help_ful friend."

"Hey – no worries, I try my best." He grins, before leaning back against the grass. "Now, are you going to stop being such an anal jerk and making me put out my cigarette around you and stay here with me, or are you going to piss off and mend the amenities with that sibling of yours?"

I stand, patting down my shorts. "I'll pass the lung cancer ticket, thanks," I respond curtly. Then I remember something. "Hey Kaito, why is there a hole by the playground where kids could potentially fall in and break their necks and die?"

Kaito snorts. "I dunno. I guess I dug it out of boredom two weeks ago. I'm surprised the council hasn't come to fill it up – but then again, the council is full of lazy shits, so who would give a damn if a child fell in and died?" He pauses like he expects me to answer, but I don't. "I damn would, because there would be a bloody corpse stuck in there and a goddamn ghost to complete the package."

Sometimes I _do_ wonder how I made friends with Kaito. I really do.

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She doesn't call back. Rin doesn't call back. And I'm tempted to call _her_, thinking maybe she's forgotten – but effing hell, I rang her up to wish her happy birthday and all – shouldn't she at least _remember_ that? Am I just not worth it anymore? What did I do?

Instead I lay on the living room floor for the rest of the afternoon of my birthday, thinking about how _incred_ible it was, when it actually wasn't, and imagining what it could have been like in a perfect world. In a perfect family. With perfect people. But perfect doesn't goddamn exist, unless you classify Miku as it – and she pretty well damn proves a good example of it, too.

Then I decide that tomorrow I'm not going to get out of bed for the heck of it and just miss school, because I can't be bothered with life anymore. Really. I just can't.

When Dad comes home at 11:30PM from work, he comes over and sits on the couch and touches my shoulder, because he thinks I'm asleep since I have my eyes closed and all. Thing is, I can't sleep – I just can't stop thinking about how incredibly awful my birthday has been and Rin, Rin, and more Rin. He nudges me and I open my eyes to look at him and he's like, "Hey kid, why're you on the carpet?"

"Because I just am," I reply.

"Oh." He looks a bit blank in the face at first, before he shifts awkwardly and reaches into his breast pocket and hands me a small parcel. "Well, um, it's your birthday today, isn't it?" he asks, like he has no idea. In which, he probably _does_ have no idea, because he's Dad and all and he never has an idea about _any_thing.

"Yeah," I say, looking at the parcel in my hand like it's a grenade about to go off any second.

"Um, happy birthday," he responds all awkwardly. "I know it's not much, but… I tried."

"Thanks," I just murmur, before slowly tearing the wrapping paper off the object. It's a… It's a _paperweight_. Hell, I could have laughed if I weren't so depressed. My dad gives the worst gifts ever. I don't even know how he qualifies as a Dad.

But you know this paperweight could come in handy, whether it is breaking in to someone's house or to hold down all your flapping assignments when your window is broken due to someone breaking into yours.

Dad kind of sits around for a few moments, all awkward and stuff like he usually is, before clearing his throat and standing up, and reaching over to pat me on the head. "Um, yeah," he mutters. "You had a good birthday? I'm sorry for not being here all today, I was going to take you to the cinema or something but then someone called in sick so I had to go to work again."

"It was alright," I answer, fiddling with the paperweight. Inside is this blue liquid, and on top is this little yellow sailing boat. I keep trying to make the blue liquid crazy so it's kind of like a tsunami swallowing the boat whole, but the liquid stuff is too thick. "And it's fine. You don't need to apologise." Apologising isn't going to give him any extra hours to take me to the cinema today anyway, because the day is goddamn almost over.

Dad closes his eyes and sighs. "I just feel bad, you know, I'm always _leaving_ you alone in this house and all," he rambles.

"Yeah, but you're doing it for a decent _reason_ and I prefer you'd be out there making money rather than spending all your time with me and making none." I don't mean to make that sound bitter, but it kind of does, and I look at Dad just to see his response. He just adjusts his tie apprehensively and looks down at his feet.

"I'm glad you understand that, Len," he tells me quietly. Then he starts heading off down the hallway to his room. He pauses just before his door, to look back and say, "Goodnight, Len."

I say goodnight, but I don't think he hears me.

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_if anyone has ferseriously clicked this story and read all the way to here despite the lack of awesomeness techniques and seriousness, good lord, cum here and let me molest you with my lahv because you are my starshine I will hug you 5eva._

_lol yeah, so I can't write decent stories or summaries or anything. cheers. __and this will probably never never never be updated, because cats, and because I also highly doubt anyone will read this anyway. so this will just sit here and rot and collect dust, and I will do nothing about it. __and I may have to state this story will contain - if ever updated - traces of incest- I mean mankini-wearing cats, and Kaito's specialness._

_by the way, it was either this or a story where Rin meets Len, a person who sits around and binge drinks and smokes because he is depressed about his dead girlfriend._

**if you read this, leave a review on your thoughts so I know you read it. and I can make love to you - _like you want me to... _**_nopenopenopenopenope-_


	2. Chapter 2

Because the world spins in a circle and all within a 24 hour period of time, days happen to pass by – but they don't feel like 24 hours, they feel like 24 years, because I'm just so tired and everything. I just can't sleep. I just can't stop thinking. My brain just keeps going, and going, and going, and going, and I start to wonder about my brain still going, and going, and going, and going for an infinite time, even after I'm dead from whatever I die of, even though that technically means I won't be dead because my brain is still working, but rather I like to think my brain is just still going and myself is just not there anymore.

Makes me wonder what happens after you die – you know, whether you just poof off into nonexistence and never exist ever again, or you poof off to some afterlife crap where you sing shit and play harps all day, or you get forced into another body or something and you have to re-experience the torture of life all over again. But the thing is, you just don't know, and you never will know until it happens and all, because you have to be dead to know and no one has ever come back from the dead – well, in a realistic sense, anyway. And these thoughts, these kind of just scare me – not a whole lot, but they just seem intimidating because I kind of don't want to not exist after I die, because becoming absolutely nothing is something I just fear because I am alive and I am a human and I just want to be remembered, for God's sake.

And then I think about Rin, you know, how I would like to hang out with her and all after I die, because I don't like the idea of being all alone in this mass amount of empty blackness and space of unconsciousness and nonexistence with no one there, and I don't like the idea of Rin being all alone in a mass amount of emptiness and infinite space of unconsciousness and nonexistence with no one there, because it just doesn't justify anything we've ever been or done or what we deserve after our lives – I mean what about the cancer patients? Don't they get a happy ending after their long battle and endurance of such pain and hardship and complications? Is this really how cruel the universe is? Do we just stop existing after we die, just like people stop remembering us a certain amount of time after our life? Just the thought of these things – nonexistence, unfairness, nothingness, being forgotten – they just kill me whole, they do.

It's like imagining setting free a flock of doves or something at the same time an atomic bomb is detonated a few metres away, and you watch the shockwaves expand towards them, and the doves get hit and turn into this nothingness – this dust that just no longer exists – and you know, you just want to reach out and save the birds. I want to save the birds; I don't want them to not exist like that. I don't want the atom bomb to erase all their existence just like the way we die. I don't want people to die and then no longer exist, ever, afterwards, after everything they've ever been through. I don't want to imagine anything becoming nothingness, and I don't want to imagine the emptiness and blackness of all that nothingness, and I just can't imagine just _not_ existing anymore, because you can't just _not_ exist, you _can't_, it's not fair, it's not fair. And it's not fair for the doves, because to save the birds, you can't let them turn into the non-existent dust they would become, because they've done nothing at all to die that way.

But those are just my thoughts, and as if the universe would listen to any of it. If we all stop existing after we die; if we all just become the nothingness like the empty black, polluted sky over a city, or if we are given a second chance to experience this labyrinth again infinitely, or if we are placed in a place like heaven or whatever with fluffy clouds and cheesy, singing angels as our reward for surviving the below – we just don't have a choice over this, because it is just how the universe turns out, and that is all.

The next few days after that horrible birthday – as I described – move gradually and horrifically, with baby-like steps, dragging on beyond my comprehension. And school is terrible, but that isn't exactly anything new. I just find that I'm almost always in this daze and my mind is just in another place, and I just can't think straight, and I just don't feel straight, and the tiniest, easiest things are the most difficult to digest, and I just feel a whole lot of the time like sitting down and crying because I'm just so damn frustrated and lost I don't know how else to deal with it. But I try to keep reminding myself that people have it worse and all, but the thing is, it still _matters_ and it _hurts_ and I can't help it if I'm swimming neck-deep in this overpowering depression and insomnia that make me feel as if I am drowning helplessly. I just wish I could stop this helpless drowning and _breathe_, _breathe_, but I can't, because I can't find the surface – I can't find someone who can save me.

Finally, on a Wednesday afternoon, I receive an email from Rin – mind you, an almost three-month-late email – that basically just tells me that she is super busy and all, and _on_ly has time to write me an email. _On_ly, she tells me, _on_ly. What I would have liked was a phone call, the phone call she specifically _pro_mised to return almost a week ago the same day I had called her which never happened, which she probably _could have_ done if she chose not to waste her time writing an email explaining how she can't call me because she is busy, because then she technically wouldn't be busy because she wouldn't be writing an email and then she would have the time to call me, and I would not be believing she is indirectly ignoring me because of a reason I particularly do not know.

The sad thing is, she doesn't even wish me a happy birthday in the email, too. You know, I thought Rin and I were close and all, but now I just feel as if we're miles and miles apart. And it makes me just feel even more depressed and tired and angry, because I hate this all – I just hate everything that has happened, and I just hate the things my parents have done, and I just hate how my family is just so retarded and scattered and unloving, and I just hate this new school, and I just hate how things would have been better if my parents hadn't divorced, because maybe – just maybe – Rin wouldn't be acting this way. And I hate it how I don't know why she's acting this way, because I can't do anything about it, because I can't fix it to make her stop acting this way, because I just want my sister to speak to me normally then.

Instead of being all understanding and everything, I just close the window and don't reply because if I start typing out a reply, I'll probably start typing things I'd regret and start crying like the baby I am. Instead, I just go off and have a shower and try to cool down, and wish that somehow, somehow a miracle will happen, and things will sort themselves out, and Rin would stop acting so distant.

But they probably won't.

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On Friday I retrieve this parcel thing from the apartment mailbox – which turns out to be a birthday present with a nice knitted sweater and an iTunes card, and a hand-made card and a pair of chunky headphones all inside. I don't know who it's from, until I read the card, which is neatly decorated with music notes and all that crummy, cheesy, shiny card-making shit, because scrawled in this smooth, curly writing at the bottom are the words _Love From Mum & Rin_, and my stomach just drops to the middle of earth's core because I remember that _shit, shit, I didn't bother to buy Rin a present or anything_.

I just feel so guilty and shell-shocked I almost pass out because I forget to take another breath within the next two minutes. I'm just standing there, holding this cheesy birthday card in my hand, rereading the bottom lines and thinking _this can't be happening, this can't, this can't, this can't_. But it is, and I haven't bought Rin a present – let alone _thought_ of buying one, and I still call myself a good brother.

And I can't leave it till Saturday or anything, because it'll just arrive another day later and I'll probably have an even sleepl_ess_ sleep tonight, so I throw on the sweater, grab my wallet and sprint to the bus stop to catch the 4:30 bus.

I take the one to town, to the shopping centre, and hope that the shops don't close at five o'clock since I'll only have ten minutes to buy her stuff and – and _God _knows how long that'll take me, because I'm just as awful at buying presents than my father, and I'm not even sure what exactly to buy her anymore because I don't know whether she's still interested in any of the same things she was interested in ten or so months ago, and I'm not a girl, and I usually always got Aunt Lily or Mum to help me buy this kind of stuff.

It takes me half an hour, once the bus reaches the shopping centre and all, to finally find some things to buy Rin. I'm not really sure if they're good or not – you know, I get worried and stuff because I don't want her thinking I'm a lousy brother and I just zipped into a store and bought the first thing I saw. I mean, I know she doesn't really like to wear makeup much, but she loves to paint her nails and wear cute bows and clothes and things like that. And she hates reading and all, since it's hard for her to concentrate. But she loves, loves, loves music, and art and stuff, but you know – you know I don't know whether she likes any of those things anymore. Or if she still doesn't wear makeup. That's what worries me – I just get so worried about these things and I hate it. I swear to God all this anxiety is taking years off my goddamn life.

So I buy her a pair of earrings – just a pair that would look incredible on her – and a shirt that says _Without Music, My Life Would B_, and a bottle of nail polish of this colour I know she'd like. Or I hope she likes, anyway. But just looking at this stuff, all of it – is it really a good present? Is it meaningful? Is it _anything?_ I just – I can't be a good brother these days, and I highly doubt Rin would jump over the _moon_ at this stuff – I mean, what's so great about _nail polish?_ But I just don't know anymore. I just don't know Rin like I used to, and I just don't know what she likes anymore, and I just don't know. I just don't know and I hate this.

I buy a card and stuff to stick into the box at the post office – it's a card with the usual girly, glittery stuff, and inside I write the happy birthday message and all, and the Love From Len & Dad thing, just so she knows Dad is thinking of her and all, and I put it into a box and tape it up and rid of it to the post office. Despite knowing how shitty and terrible that present is, and how such an awful brother I am, and all that goddamn depressing stuff, I feel relief knowing I at least did _something_ – you know, at least I _am_ thinking about her.

At least she knows I care a little bit.

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On the following Monday, it's raining; the clouds hanging low in the sky and dulling the daylight with all its miserable glory, the trepidation falling from the heavens and drowning all who runs around in the city below. I'm soaked to the bone when I reach class, because my goddamn umbrella don't do shit for nothing. I shiver my way through homeroom and all the way to Maths, wondering where the heck Kaito is, so I can steal his gym clothes or something, but he isn't even around. Damn Kaito, he's only present when you don't need his ass.

Miku, of all good people, comes and sits next to me in Maths and slips me this note that asks if I want to borrow her jumper or something. Heck no. Borrowing Miku's jumper is like asking her for a BJ. No. Nope. _No_. If Kaito found out, he would kick my butt so hard I'd probably hit the moon and fall into orbit around the earth.

So I slip back a polite _No thanks_ and hope she leaves it at that. She doesn't. She persists with _Are you sure?_ And I respond with a _Yes, I'm sure, I'm fine_ and that's when the Maths teacher shoots us _the look_, like he knows we're passing notes or whatever. He's a creeper. Miku passes another note to me but I don't look at it, I don't reply; I don't need to be humiliated this morning.

By lunch I have developed this new dislike for Miku and all her fake niceness, and her annoyingly vivacious attempts to make me wear her jumper. Jesus, can't she just wear her own? It's the freaking middle of winter anyway. Then I remember I still have the sweater Rin bought me which I left in my bag by accident for some reason, so I get that and put it on, and try to put up with all the stares due to its glary shade of saffron and teacher-attracting antics. The year coordinator shoots me this dirty goddamned look, even. It's because it isn't the school jumper, see – but mine is totally soaked, so they can't exactly tell me to take it off and all, because it's too freaking cold.

I try to ring Kaito by the usual place he and I and a few others sit – under this staircase that hardly ever gets used, which has these weird rumours to deter people from using it like – 'This girl was murdered on it!' or 'This guy pissed on it!' or 'Such and such had sex on it!' and vice versa. Today, there's only just me, because the other kids who sit with us usually stick around just for Kaito since he's popular and all, and not many like me because the most I've ever said to them was, "You're sitting on my lunch." But that was because they _were_.

Anyway, so, I ring Kaito and he picks up, and his first words are, "I cannot discuss romantic poems with you today, Lenny-boo, for I have developed a serious case of giardia from some curry I have eaten. I appreciate your concern for me, though."

I ask, "What kind of curry?"

"The kind that is spicy and you buy from takeaway stores," he responds smoothly. "How is life, while I am not feeling the horrible urge and can ask?"

"I am wearing the sweater I told you about _–_ the one Rin and Mum bought me," I say.

Kaito laughs on the other end for about six hours, before stopping to groan about 'the fucking awful stomach pains threatening his dignity'. "_Giardia_," he tells me, "is like having your shit take ominous amounts of LSD. And that sweater you modelled for me on Saturday? The one that makes you look like a bottle of mustard? Lovel_–_ _Oh_, son of a fucking beaver." He makes these deep, rapid inhalations through the phone, before more pained noises. "Nature calls, son. I must go."

I don't even get the chance to say _Goodbye_ or _Get well soon_, not that Kaito would really care whether I'd say them or not, because he hangs up instantly. Then I just sit down on the cold concrete and eat my dry peanut paste sandwich in silence, and think about a lot of things.

I hardly notice Miku's presence until she steps in front of me and says, "Hello? Anyone there?" She interrupts my trail of thought – when I thought I had finally had some peace and quiet – and just about gives me near damn heart failure.

"Shit Jesus," I breathe. "Don't do that."

Miku backs up slightly. "Sorry," she says, smiling apologetically. She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear and takes a seat on the ground beside me; all the while eyeing my pull-over like it's a disease. "Is that yours?"

She's asking about the sweater. "Yes," I respond.

"Oh," Miku mumbles. "It's cute."

But I can tell by the look on her face she thinks it probably also makes me look like a bottle of mustard as well, and for some reason I just get sort of angry, because it's my goddamn jumper and Rin took her time picking it out for me and all, and – well, I actually kind of like it. I don't say anything back and just look at the weeds growing through the bricks on the ground next to me, and try to give her some sort of hint that I don't want her around. But she doesn't seem to get it. I just want her to leave me freaking alone.

Miku then asks, while playing with the hem of her skirt, "So… where's your friend, Kaito?"

"He's sick," I explain. That's all I say.

"Why?" she presses. How should I goddamned know?

I turn to look at her weirdly. "I don't know. He ate bad curry?"

Miku stares at me back. "Oh. Okay."

In a way, Miku reminds me of Rin. Not the fake-nice part, but just… she somehow does. The way she walks, the way she dresses. I don't know. They're both pretty and cute and stuff. And Rin is pretty popular, even for someone with TS; she just has this amazing radiance that makes everyone _love_ her – like she sucks them into this trance to see her as their goddess or something. I'm not saying it as a bad thing – I mean I like Rin's personality; I like Rin's charisma. In a way sometimes I want to be like her, because I have the shittiest personality and charisma and – well, _any_thing – and I just look up to Rin, sort of, sometimes. She's just beautiful and perfect and charming in her own way, and that's why so many people love her. That's why I love her.

"Were you shopping on Friday?" Miku then inquires, and I wonder, _how the heck does she know I went shopping on Friday?_ I must look freaked out or something, because she immediately adds, "I mean, I work in the shopping centre in the middle of town and I think I saw you – you were buying jewellery?"

I freeze; a bit mortified Miku had seen me standing in a girl's store. "Um…" I say slowly, "I was buying a birthday present for my sister." I could feel my cheeks heating up and I kind of wanted to disappear, somewhat.

Miku seems to relax or something, like she was holding her breath. "Oh." She smiles, "You have a sister? How old is she?"

"Same age as me," I reply, picking at the grass growing through the cracks in the concrete. She gives me this strange look. "I mean, we're twins. I suppose."

"Oh," Miku repeats. "Why don't I know her? – I mean, why doesn't she come to school?"

I look at my fingers, dirty from the grass-picking. For some reason I feel really conscious of my appearance around Miku, so I quickly wipe them on my shorts. I'm feeling so weird today. "Um, she doesn't go to the same school as me. She lives with my mum on the other side of town."

Miku frowns. "You don't live with your mum?"

"No." I give her this weird look. "My parents are divorced." She said it like I was an alien or something. What? Are her parents happily and perfectly in love and positively never ever going to split, because they obviously care about their children and how much they would be affected if they really _did_ break up? I'm really envious of people with happy families and loving parents. I really am.

She goes sort of silent after that. "Sorry," she apologises. "I didn't know."

We kind of don't talk much until the bell goes. Then we just walk off to our classes and say nothing else. And I'm kind of glad. I goddamn hate talking to Miku.

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It's all sunny skies and rainbows and goddamn leprechauns when I walk home, as compared to the dreary as hell weather previously that morning. It puts me in this pissy mood – I don't know why, but great weather just has that effect on me. Rin, though, she seems to practically _glow_ in sunny, perfect, shitty, cliché, hot, sweaty, too-good-to-be-true weather – like, she _loves_ it, more than anything – and she used to always rave on and _on _and try dragging me to the beach or the park or something to "get out and enjoy the wonderful day!" It makes me kind of want to puke, this weather and all.

When I get home, I'm surprised to see Dad is sitting at the dinner table reading the newspaper. He's always reading the newspaper. I mean, _always_. If he isn't working, he's reading the goddamn newspaper, and if he isn't reading the goddamn newspaper, he's working. I don't even know what he finds so _interest_ing about it. It's just words and words and words and words about complete and utter bullshit the writers have made up about their cat's ex-owner's sister's boyfriend or whatever, or just that awful dreary news which reminds us we're still creating nuclear weapons and storing them like food for the winter or the earth is probably going to conk it within the next fifty years because we're treating it like we have another to piss off to – just – just – _God_, stop it. I don't care. I don't. I don't want to know these things.

"Len," he says all cheerfully, like he hasn't seen me in a week. "How was your day at school?"

It's weird talking to Dad and all like this when he always used to ignore me like a brick wall with Rin around. I can't get used to it. It's just damn _creepy_. I drop my bag down onto the floor beside me and reply, "Boring."

Dad turns the newspaper page. "Boring? Why is it boring? Aren't you learning anything?"

I hate it when adults ask those things. Typically the ones like, "So what are you doing at school?"

It's like, "Well, I don't know, I would probably put ants to sleep if I bothered listing all the useless crap I'm learning." Adults just get so annoying. I mean if they really want to know, they can ask my teacher. I'm sure they have a better idea of what we're actually supposed to be learning in class.

I harrumph and shrug, sitting down at a chair. "Well, yeah. But it isn't exactly mind-blowing stuff or anything."

Dad raises his eyebrows. "Is that so," he murmurs. Then he looks up from the newspaper, finally, and frowns at me. "Where'd you get that sweater?" He means the yellow sweater. I couldn't be bothered to take it off after school, even though it's all steamy and crap because the sun is making up for its short time behind a cloud.

"Um," I say. I didn't tell him about the present Rin and Mum sent. And I also didn't tell him about the one I sent, either. "Um, it was a birthday present from Rin."

"Oh." Dad looks down at his hands and clears his throat. "Was it one you received this birthday?"

I look at him funny. "Yes?"

He rubs his neck, something I know he does when he gets nervous, because I do it too. "Your mother had called earlier today asking about the present. I told her I knew nothing about a present. Why didn't you tell me?"

I shrug. "I didn't really think much of telling you," I explain. "You're never really home anyway."

Then Dad gets sort of sad. And his shoulders sag and he goes, "Alright. Alright. Well, tell me next time, Len."

"Okay."

"_Also_," he quickly adds, when I go to stand up. I pause. "Your mother didn't call just to whisper sweet nothings in my ear. Apparently Rin has been in hospital for the last few days. She just got out today."

My stomach lurches as worry starts to spread through me. "In hospital?" I ask warily. "Is she alright? What happened? It isn't anything life threatening, right?" I don't realise how ridiculous I sound until I see Dad's expression – _amusement_.

He holds up his hands. "Len, don't fret. She's fine. There were just a few complications because she was a little bit sick with a virus, but everything's fine now." He tries to reassure me with a smile, but I still can't help my worrying. "She said she got the parcel you sent, by the way. Rin told your mother to tell me to tell you that she loves the presents. She even insisted on wearing the shirt in hospital, but the nurses wouldn't let her."

"Why didn't Mum call us earlier?" I demand, "I would have gone to visit her."

Dad shrugs. "It wasn't that much of a big deal – I'm sure Rin wouldn't want you there fussing over her. She would've just wanted to rest."

I frown. "But it was just our birthday."

"Len," Dad says, exhaling, "just leave it. She's fine, everything's fine, you can see your sister later, okay?"

I don't like how he acts like it's totally fine that I hardly ever get to see Rin, and that when I do, it doesn't even matter that much. I don't like how he tells me I will see her _later_ when technically he could mean all the time in infinity, when she and I don't have it at all. I don't like it how people don't take my stress for my sister seriously, when they don't understand what it's like to have Rin as your sister, your sister who has TS – who could easily die from a simple complication or whatever because she's just not as lucky as all of us. I don't like it how people pretend that others will live forever, when clearly they won't. I would stay by Rin's side for forever, because she means a heck of a lot to me. She really does.

I stand from the table and close my eyes, just trying to stop myself from getting upset. You know, it frustrates me. People just don't bother to ever put themselves in others shoes to see their point of view and feel their feelings, and that's probably why this world is so fucked up and shit. It just makes me angry.

Dad watches me as I walk out, dragging my bag along the ground because I'm just too goddamn lazy to pick it up. I know he's reconsidering what he's said, but I know he won't apologise for it.

I just wish I could be a better brother and be there for Rin. But I can't. I can't because adults are freaking selfish.

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_here is chapter two and I hope you hate me because it's short and it's horrible and I haven't the time to type anything more. so. okay._

_EDIT: ugh okay I am sorry for making such a short a/n, I had to get offline. um, I highly doubt anyone will see this now but thanks for the reviews, guys! they were lovely. and I want to hug you all. and I want to thank you all. and kiss you. and moles- nopenopenopenope. but yeah, thanks so much for the support I seriously thought this would get nothing BUT IT GOT SOMETHING AND THANK YOU!_


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